The truth is some serious stuff…
From my posts you can see that for the past few months my mind has been consumed with the question of whether or not I am truly living as God wishes me to. I’ve gotten myself involved in a small assembly led by one woman. With all of us the group makes 6. Of those six, one is her son (my ex-boyfriend), and her husband.
Just this past sabbath, the minister (My spiritual counselor) fashioned a lesson which talked about the destructive ability of pride. The lesson was geared towards one of the members in the assembly. The lesson exposed the rebelliousness, and reluctance of this member to follow God’s will. And the seed of this reluctance and rebelliousness was based on the fact that this member refuses to fully trust the minister in her guidance. She presented various verses which displayed the disdain and hate that God has towards pride.
She then went on to read a letter “that God wrote” to further prove that the girl is hurting herself due to her pride. I refused to listen at this point. The girl left in haste after the session, barely saying goodbye.
Before the session, my spiritual counselor saw the need for her to prep me on the lesson, and to make sure that I understood the purpose of the lesson so that it didn’t have any effect on me. She also saw need to warn me that the girl may leave the assembly because of the days lesson. And because of that lesson, I fear that she will leave.
I cried for her that night. I cried for her because the people in her sanctuary have seemingly turned against her. I cried because if she leaves, she somewhat shows a reason that I should not remain in the assembly.
I think the struggle that I am having, is putting my trust in another human to help me develop my relationship with God. I can’t say that I truly believe that she is “an anointed teacher of righteousness” and that I should trust her to guide me. I can’t truly say that I trust that I am going against the will of God when I am not staying within her Dogma (i hate to use that word).
I do however trust that she has a fantastic relationship with God. I do trust that she means well in her want to guide me in the right direction. But her guidance has created this black cloud above me, and has turned my world dark. And every time I try to think about why my world is turning dark, I can barely make a list as to why I don’t trust this woman.
Then the question of whether I am running away from the truth keeps flashing in my mind. Has she become my enemy because she speaks the truth?
In my mind, this woman has planted seeds of her faith in my mind. Bible verses, personal experiences, stories, and so on to prove her “way”. And it is those things that keep ringing in my head, and it is those things that I keep sizing up the advice I have received from loved ones, and those concerned about me here. And of course, nothing matches up to her words.
I want so much to abandon her, leave the assembly, and seek to develop my relationship with God on my own.
But I can’t find reason enough to do so. She seems like a good person. She really tries her best to take how her actions effect others. She has many qualities I wish to develop. But over this time I have grown such a distaste for her words, and any advice that she may have for me.
I just want the truth. I want God to tell me what to do. I don’t want to pass away, and arrive at my judgment, and find that I did wrong. I don’t want to “gnash my teeth” (not sarcasm).
When i think about going to another church, I feel like I am walking the broad path towards destruction. I feel like I am searching for something to tell me what I want to hear. I feel I am looking for something that will let me do what I want to do.
I don’t like the fact that this “way” has been presented to me as the only way. I don’t like this “way”.
Has my weakness, and lack of understanding of God been used as a tool to manipulate me into becoming dependent upon her.
I apoligize for the rambling. The shambleness of my words here is proof of how many times this issue has played in my mind. I can’t ignore it, because my foundation is unstable.
I am sorry, but I am confused and scared…again. I can’t hear God anymore.
God is telling you what to do, that much is apparent from reading over your blog. Look, He is not going to light a bush on fire and tell you to get the heck away from this woman. You are going to have to listen to your heart on this one, and I think if you go back and read the things you’ve written here and in your past posts, you will see that your heart is telling you that you are not in the right place.
You have written that the leader of the assembly uses guilt trips and public shaming to bend the members to her will. These are not tools of love. Every real Christain I have ever known only had to let their inner light shine, and people clamored to follow in their footsteps. A person who was truly right with God wouldn’t give you this awful feeling that you’re going through.
Since you seem to be concerned at some level that you may be in a cult, I copied this for you. Please read it, and please, please, trust your gut on this one. I am worried for you. You seem to be trying to talk yourself into staying in a situation that is making you sad, scared, sick and depressed. Do you think a loving God would want that for you?
Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.
Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.
Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.
Followers feel they can never be “good enough”.
The group/leader is always right.
The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.
Ten warning signs regarding people involved in/with a potentially unsafe group/leader.
Extreme obsessiveness regarding the group/leader resulting in the exclusion of almost every practical consideration.
Individual identity, the group, the leader and/or God as distinct and separate categories of existence become increasingly blurred. Instead, in the follower’s mind these identities become substantially and increasingly fused–as that person’s involvement with the group/leader continues and deepens.
Whenever the group/leader is criticized or questioned it is characterized as “persecution”.
Uncharacteristically stilted and seemingly programmed conversation and mannerisms, cloning of the group/leader in personal behavior.
Dependency upon the group/leader for problem solving, solutions, and definitions without meaningful reflective thought. A seeming inability to think independently or analyze situations without group/leader involvement.
Hyperactivity centered on the group/leader agenda, which seems to supercede any personal goals or individual interests.
A dramatic loss of spontaneity and sense of humor.
Increasing isolation from family and old friends unless they demonstrate an interest in the group/leader.
Anything the group/leader does can be justified no matter how harsh or harmful.
Former followers are at best-considered negative or worse evil and under bad influences. They can not be trusted and personal contact is avoided.
Ten signs of a safe group/leader.
A safe group/leader will answer your questions without becoming judgmental and punitive.
A safe group/leader will disclose information such as finances and often offer an independently audited financial statement regarding budget and expenses. Safe groups and leaders will tell you more than you want to know.
A safe group/leader is often democratic, sharing decision making and encouraging accountability and oversight.
A safe group/leader may have disgruntled former followers, but will not vilify, excommunicate and forbid others from associating with them.
A safe group/leader will not have a paper trail of overwhelmingly negative records, books, articles and statements about them.
A safe group/leader will encourage family communication, community interaction and existing friendships and not feel threatened.
A safe group/leader will recognize reasonable boundaries and limitations when dealing with others.
A safe group/leader will encourage critical thinking, individual autonomy and feelings of self-esteem.
A safe group/leader will admit failings and mistakes and accept constructive criticism and advice.
A safe group/leader will not be the only source of knowledge and learning excluding everyone else, but value dialogue and the free exchange of ideas.
bottlecappie
February 27, 2008
My very dear Amalya,
please read the bible yourself.Read 1Cor 14, 26+
“As in ALL congregations of the saints, WOMEN should remain SILENT in the churches.They are NOT allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says…for it is DISGRACEFUL for the women to speak in the church.”
1 Tim 3,11 :” I do NOT permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she MUST be silent.”
A female pastor, especially when her husband is sitting there, is in contradiction to the bible and NOT in submission to God. Therefore, she is a liar , when she says, or let people say it, that she were anointed or ordained by God. She is either
deceived herself about truth or deliberately misleading everybody.
Jesus said, I am your teacher and master ! Please read Mathew 23.
You can no more hear from God, because this rebellious and disobediant (to God and her husband)
has placed herself on the place of Christ.
Amalya, please, open your eyes, get away, before the trap is closed and would destroy your faith and make you a religious slave of this false priestess. I am praying for you.
1arabella
February 27, 2008