Another Sabbath and then some.

Things are getting better I suppose. I am about to go down to Maryland again. For some reason I am still struggling with the idea of going to Maryland. I decided that I will entertain both sides of the equation (stay in philly or move in with my minister) until one side really proves its self to be the proper choice.

So I am going to maryland for another assembly, and an interview for my internship. At times I find comfort in it, and others, my heart drops just thinking about it.

From what I am feeling, I would say that my intuition is telling me to get away. But why am I so drawn to something that I don’t want to do? Why do I feel like I need to be rebellious against the assembly and my minister? Why do I feel like I am doing so much wrong.

I am trying soooo hard to pull away. And when I do, I feel so weak. So what should I trust as my intuition? That weakness? Or the urge to find something better, that won’t push me out of my comfort zone where I can do things that are “acceptable” or do things that I don’t have to explain.

I want 100% confidence in which ever decision I choose. Everyone keeps telling me “Do what is best for me”. But is that truth that I should follow?

I am not sure who it was in the Bible, but God asked him to sacrifice his son. God asked this man to kill his son. Was that what was best for him? Obviously not. What it what God wanted him to do? Yes. But it was a test. How far was he willing to go to obey God? He would have killed his son for God.

That is a fabulous example. But, God spoke to him directly (right?). How do we know God’s will and purpose for us? He is not directly speaking with us all. So again, my question “Where is God’s guiding hand”?

I am not questioning in doubt. I am sure, I am positive that it is there. How could it not. But where is it? People have claimed that God spoke to them in a dream, or “got light on an issue”. What do I trust?

Perhaps I am looking away from where his hand really is. Inside me. My intuition. I can believe that it is there, but the instrument used to read my intuition is not fine tuned. I can’t trust myself.

My conscious is not skilled in reading my intuition. I think that my conscious has been riddled with greed and pride; thus, leading me to misinterpret my intuition. At least that is my reasoning to not trust my intuition.

So i’ve answered my own question. “Why do I keep going back?” It is because I don’t trust myself, and I want someone to tell me what to do. I want God to tell me what to do. And this woman claims to know what God wants me to do.

Is God that blatant? Or is this a test? Is he testing me? Is he tsting me to throw away my desire to “go with the flow” and obey my fears to the point where I grow dependent upon others? Or is he testing me to see how far I am willing to go to obey him?

Am I willing to give up good internship possibilities? Am I willing to trust myself in taking care of my spiritual health?

What am I being tested on? Either way I feel like I’ve failed. But I just need to know, which failure will live with me eternally.

Like I said. Hide and seek is God’s favorite game. And, hide and seek is fun. I just hate being “It”.

I believe I’ve grown stronger in trying to figure out how to develop spiritually. I just hope my strength is not pride, and that this strength will not take me farther away from God.

I love you all.

I would also like to know about those that are following along with my rants. :c) If applicable, please leave an address to your blog, or any internet info about yourself.

Id love to meet you.

again. love! and God Bless!