Easter Weekend.

“I just wanted to let you know that I am not coming down this weekend for assembly.  I am going home for Easter.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.  Amalya, I don’t know how much trust and belief you have in the word of the Almighty, but I know that his word is true.  I know that that what the Sovereign says will happen, will happen.  I see a transition happening here.  I am not going to predict what is going to happen.  All I can say is that I see a transition happening with you.  I have seen many things happen to many people.  So I am just going to take a step back, and let the Sovereign have his way with you”.

*sigh*

My heart is so torn.  I try so hard to believe that I should pull myself away from the assembly.  Today, I feel like a child.  I feel like my maturity has been rewound.   I can’t make a decision on my own anymore.  I am relying more and more on approval of other people.  I just want someone to tell me that what I think is right, that the choices I am making are okay.

Am I just denying the fact that I am looking to learn and understand God on my own terms?  Am I denying the fact that I am not obeying, and submitting to his way?

I don’t want to think that I am going against anything.

What I am expected to do while in the assembly feels so wrong.  And when I don’t do it, I feel like I am guilty, and cursed.  Like if I don’t head my minister’s advice, I am going to go through the worst experiences ever.  I think I am going to die, or have something horrible happen to me.

When I steer away from the assembly, my mind jumps to the worst case scenarios.  Stepping away from the assembly, am I really stepping away from God?  Just thinking that question in my mind, my stomach jumps to my throat, and tear burn my eyes.

I just want this sabbath to be restful.  When I go to assembly, it is not restful, and I cannot rejoice in the love, and blessings God has bought into my life.  It is stressful, and I put on an act.

My desire is to learn how to love.  To learn that I want to start with God.  I don’t want my love for him to be influenced, altered, or steered by the opinions of people.  That is how I’ve loved in the past.  I want it to be truly me, I don’t want to love him by seeking approval from my minister.  And I don’t want strive for his love just because I seeking love from others.

In my position with the assembly, I think that is whats happening.  I caught myself thinking the other day, “what if a new girls comes into the assembly, and she has a better relationship with God, and my ex-boyfriend goes for her instead of me.”

I caught myself thinking, well, if I just abide by my minister’s advice (his mother), he will be able to love me.  Shame.  I don’t want to learn how to love God on those terms.  Thos terms wil lnot be a good foundation.

The minister’s husband pulled me to the side the last time I was in assembly.  He told me to take my time.  Everyone grows in God at different paces.

Perhaps that is what God has been telling me all this time.   And that is what i want to believe.  I just hope that I am not  “cursed”.  I just hope that I don’t have to learn with horrible, painful lessons.  But its just life right?  Life is just a drop in the ocean.

I just hope that I am learning the right lessons, and not picking a choosing.

So this weekend, i am going to have my own Sabbath, and read, and relax, and perhaps even have a session with my mother.

This whole truth seeking thing is no joke.  How do you know when you’ve found the truth, or if you are molding lies to look like the truth?

I Love you all.