Got a light?

This little light of mine…

Im gonna let it shine…

This little light of mine…

Im gonna let it shine…

If only I could find the match.

I was praying last night, and I realized that I don’t really understand the role of Christ in my life.  For sabbath, I rested my mind, and watched a documentary on Jesus.  It was on the discovery channel.  It was a three part series that traced back to the life of Jesus based on archaeological findings.  For about about 10min segment did the documentary focus on the miracles he performed.

It only spoke of the paralyzed man he healed at the shore of the Bethesda (sp?).   That is it.  They did not speak of him feeding the 5,000, nor the bounty of fish he advised the fisherman to find by simply casting their nets on the other side of the boat.

Watching this documentary successfully changed my perception of Jesus from being a magical hero, to a simple human.  Not that I don’t belive that jesus did perform these miracles, but it raises a question in me.

Since I’ve been baptized, my worries, and stressful times have been pacified with statement that instruct me to love Christ, and seek him, love him with all of your being, Christ is in you.  And I try.  But I am realizing now, that I don’t understand the role of Christ in my faith.

In my mind, I am trying to develp this faith, because I want to do well by God, I want to please him, make him happy, and not disappoint him, and do with this life what he wants me to do.  I don’t want to waste his blessings.  And I do not want to go to hell either.  But where does Christ come in all of this?

I want to understand it so deeply.  I don’t want my faith to be built on phrases like”Christ loves me”.  All I can say is so?  I don’t understand his role.  But I want to so badly.  Its like its the missing piece.  Perhaps its the reason why I am feeling the way I am feeling.

Who is Christ?  Why was he sent here?  Why did he have to die that way?  And why is he my savior?

Understanding the role of Christ I think will help me understand the role of a teacher, and my self in the development of my relationship with God.

Did Christ come here to teach that we have the power to develop a relationship with God on our own?  That we don’t have to simply live by the rules of an authority or church to truly love God?

When I learn who Christ is, and learn how to love him and his father, I won’t have to ask anyone for a light to shine my little light.  I won’t have to ask anyone how to do it, because I will know.  I won’t think, I won’t believe, I will know.

I want to know so badly.

I was blessed with this indecisiveness, this lack of confidence, and ability to be swayed by any opinion for a reason.  Perhaps to learn how to do it through my journey to find God?  To be a member of someone’s flock?

I don’t know.  But I believe that I am coming to the point where I will find out.  I am getting to the point where I am exhausting the advice of those that are around me.  The advice of my loved ones are starting to turn into words of comfort.  No one can give me answers anymore.  I have to find them on my own.

I presented this notion to the son (my ex boyfriend) of my minister.  His response?  I am being prideful.  I am not seeking truth, I am seeking what will support my understanding and what I want to hear.  I am being prideful, because I fail to ask questions, and I fail to seek clarity on the words of my minister.  If this is truth that he speaks, then God forgive me for rolling my eyes, and failing to see the truth.

True.  I have a hard time asking questions.  And its true because I want to protect the little bit of stability that I have found in my own understanding.

Perhaps that I is why I am collapsing.  I am leaning on myself, and myself is not strong enough to handle these blessings from God.

Then how do I not lean on my own understanding?  Do I seek someone else’s understanding?  How do I discern if they are true, when I am but a baby, and my perception of right or wrong is not yet established?

I just want to know.  I want to shine.  I am tired of my mind being tired.  And Im tired of my heart breaking everytime I am in a conversation about God.  So much sadness is in my life right now.  Am I the cause?  Is it my pride?  Is it my self-seeking nature?

Or am I just going the wrong way, and under advisement that the Almighty has not intended for me.   If this is so, why can’t I accept that the assembly is wrong?  Why do I keep going back?

I just want to know, so that I can shine.  I want to smile, and bring light into people’s lives.  I want to make them happy, and spread love.  I want to know my purpose.

Right now, I feel like a scab that needs to be picked.   I want the end of my life to be joyful, and know that I accomplished what I was born to accomplish.  I do not want to worry if I disappointed God.

Am I not willing to do what is needed to get from point A to point B?

Just let me shine.